Thursday, July 31, 2014

 *Possible Trigger Warning*
Not that the warning is only a possibility; it's a reality. I'm just not sure if what I'm going to write on this post will be an emotional trigger or not, but I want to have the warning at the beginning of every post in this series anyway. Because I am assuming that just about every person who reads my blog is a parent or wants to be a parent some day and I'm going to be mentioning things that will hurt an empathetic parent's heart. If hearing about child abuse is an emotional trigger for you, you've been warned. I've read things with trigger warnings and sometimes I've stayed away and been grateful for the warning. These sad posts are not going to take over my blog. They're just something I need to get out, written down and thrown out into the universe so that I can get some distance from them. 

Today is one of those days when I want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of a dark closet and just hide from everything. But I can't; I am a mother, and I am strong for my children. I hold it together through the day and even when my husband comes home I still have to keep it together through making dinner and the kids' bedtime. By the time the house is quiet, and my mothering duties are at rest (until the baby wakes up again) I am so emotionally constipated from holding it all in that I no longer know how to release the stress. So I fall in bed, exhausted, but true rest in not accomplished. And then the next day begins.

I am inundated with the claims to my time and emotions by those who know that their very presence triggers my PTSD. Yet they act as if their feelings are a valid claim against me. They sap my resources, my reserves of strength. They weaken my shield, yet label me a bad person for having a shield in the first place.

There is no escape because the one who brought them into my life will not live without them; and I can't go on without him. So I'm trapped in the name of "family;" the claims of "love" are my chaind, and manipulative words are lashes against my back.

Your words do not match your actions. Intentional or unintentional, clueless or malicious, the result is the same.

I'm so tired of being strong all the time.

I'm so tired.


Sorry for the confusion; this is not referring to my children. They are not the ones triggering me. This is referring to some adults.


  1. I had 4 kids in 6 years. They are now 39-45. You will survive. When you have grand kids you can give them back on tough days. Twelve of us in our neighborhood formed a babysitting coop so we could trade kids and get some time out at no cost. Hang tough.

    1. I didn't realize when I posted this that that is how it would sound. But this isn't about the kids; they're awesome. It's adults knowingly doing this to me.

  2. :( I wish you could take a vacation! Or else, I wish I could come over and bring you dinner.

    In your last post you mentioned the search for kid friends. Have you found many mom friends in your new town yet? I meet all of my mom friends through school stuff. Do you guys have a community center that offers kid classes? Is there a MOPS group in your area?

    It sounds like you need a Moms night out! Hugs!

    1. I would love a visit with you. <3 We've been doing a weekly playdate, which has friends for both boys, and we will be joining a co-op in the fall.


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